Always a bridesmaid¡¦that is what I thought I would be. As I watched friend after friend walk down the aisle and say, ¡°I do¡± to their prince charming, I wondered if I would ever be a bride. I had dated several guys who wanted to become more serious, but when they would start talking about marriage I would start backing away – quickly. Marriage was a huge commitment, and I wasn¡¯t about to take it lightly. In all of my relationships I had never felt like I knew for sure that the guy was the one.

 How do you know that for sure? I would often ask my friends or spiritual mentors. The reply was always the same, ¡°You just know.¡± Thanks for clearing that up for me.

What does that mean anyway? You just know. I know a lot of things until I change my mind about them. I just knew that I loved the comforter and pillows that I picked out for my bed – until a year later when I decided I needed a whole new look. I know this is trivial compared to marriage, but the logic seemed the same to me. Even if I was sure now that this person was the one I should marry, would I still feel that way in two years? What about in 20 years? I was signing up to be with the person for the rest of my life; I had to be sure.

So how do you know for sure? I would like to offer some ideas. These are things that helped me when I was facing the same decision.

In my case, I already knew Matt quite well. We had attended college together and had become good friends. We even went on a couple dates, but I was never interested in anything more than friendship. But eight years later that friendship had turned into something more, and we began dating. However, I still wasn¡¯t sure I wanted to marry him.

Ask Questions

What did it take to convince me? A lot of talking. I don¡¯t mean that he spent hours trying to talk me into it. I mean that we had to discuss a lot of things. I wanted to know all about him, his hopes, his dreams, his fears, his expectations for marriage, and anything else I could think of. I wanted to talk about every possible situation that could arise in a marriage and find out how he would handle it.

It turns out there are actually books that already have questions like these for couples. I searched the books and the internet to find suitable questions. When we were together we took turns asking each other these questions. Since he didn¡¯t live in the area at the time, we also asked and answered questions by mail. We agreed in advance which questions we would answer and mailed our answers out on the same day so that the other person¡¯s answers wouldn¡¯t influence our own. We learned a lot about each other and what we expected from a spouse.

The questions covered everything from how many kids we each wanted and where we would like to live to who would do the dishes and take out the trash.

It¡¯s important to remember that some people are introverts and need time to process things before they answer. If your significant other is one of those people, respect that and allow him or her to take the time needed. You don¡¯t have to cover all the questions at once. Spread them out among your other activities and conversations. However, if you find that the person you are dating repeatedly avoids answering questions, or feels that the whole idea is a waste of time, be careful. Even guys (or girls) who don¡¯t like to talk about their emotions should be able to communicate freely with the person they love. If they can¡¯t, it could be a red flag in the relationship.